One Country For Each NFL Team
London NFL Fans Welcome The Los Angeles Chargers
The NFL has announced that they are granting each team specific rights to international markets. Fun!
The NFL is setting this up so that each team can pick a country and then possibly go into specific cities within those countries to divvy it up.
Which is fine, but it’s not as fun as each team specifically getting their own country with no repeats.
So that’s what I’m going to do instead.
I’ll be using the original 2021 NFL Draft order which does not include trades so that way every team gets a choice.
Note: These picks won’t necessarily be what makes them the most money. It’ll be what makes the most sense with each team.
And a little bit of what makes the most money.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Much like Trevor Lawrence, this is the easiest pick of the draft.
The Jags are already contracted to play one game in London per year anyway, so they might as well continue tapping into the market they already have.
1st Pick: England
New York Jets
Jets. Fly Emirates. Dubai being one of the busiest airports in the world.
It fits with the plane theme, plus the UAE isn’t exactly short of money which is always nice for a NFL franchise.
2nd Pick: United Arab Emirates
Houston Texans
A laughable franchise that regularly screws up easy decisions and makes an ass out of themselves.
The team is located right next to Mexico, but basically thinks they’re their own country anyway.
3rd Pick: Texas
Atlanta Falcons
I mean. C’mon. This one is a gimme.
4th Pick: Georgia
Cincinnati Bengals
A country that loves their tigers.
Again, this is another gimme.
5th Pick: India
Philadelphia Eagles
A fan base who loves to get drunk and disorderly no matter what the outcome.
6th Pick: Ireland
Detroit Lions
The biggest American auto industry combines with the biggest European car industry.
Throw in a passionate fan base when it comes to sports and they won’t care much that the Lions are awful.
7th Pick: Germany
Carolina Panthers
Panthers love tropical rainforests.
The Amazon Rainforest exists!
For now…
8th Pick: Brazil
Denver Broncos
The Rocky Mountains and the Swiss Alps. A match made in heaven.
9th Pick: Switzerland
Dallas Cowboys
The biggest superpower money wise in the NFL teams up with the biggest superpower money wise in the world.
Not to mention that no matter if either is doing well or poorly, Fox will dedicate 99% of their air time to talk about them.
It’s a perfect fit!
10th Pick: China
New York Giants
New York has a big Irish population and also loves to get drunk and angry.
Unfortunately, their rivals the Eagles have already taken Ireland.
So there’s really only one possible option here…
11th Pick: Northern Ireland
San Francisco 49ers
San Francisco is the first west coast team to make the list.
Congratulations, Niners! You hit the jackpot.
12th Pick: Japan
Los Angeles Chargers
Boy, the Chargers missed out badly here.
However, they are the first LA team to make the list.
So they sort of win in the end!
13th Pick: Mexico
Minnesota Vikings
This may seem like another gimme, but it does get a little tough.
Norway or Sweden?
After some research, the pick is in.
14th Pick: Norway
New England Patriots
Well, England is gone. So I guess we’ll just have to choose a country that wins a lot of stuff and nobody really likes much.
15th Pick: France
Arizona Cardinals
So, I couldn’t really think of anything for the Cardinals.
But then I remembered my four years of Catholic school, and the answer was obvious.
16th Pick: Italy
Las Vegas Raiders
Mexico is gone, which is a shame because Mexico loves their Raiders.
But now, the Raiders are in Vegas, a tiny place filled with giant buildings and gamblers.
17th Pick: Singapore
Miami Dolphins
Let’s not bother wasting any time.
18th Pick: Cuba
Washington Football Team
The Washington Football Team is overseen by an owner that nobody likes and is inherently ruining the entire franchise and organization while simply refusing to give up power.
19th Pick: North Korea
Chicago Bears
The Bears will go down in history as one of the legendary teams of the sport, but recently just have not been able to get it right.
20th Pick: Greece
Indianapolis Colts
The Colts were in one place before they just up and decided to move somewhere else entirely.
21st Pick: Israel
Tennessee Titans
The Titans are smack in the middle of Nashville, which means they are surrounded by bachelor and bachelorette parties that take up tons of space and are wearing cowboy hats and boots.
Since Greece is taken (Titans, Greek mythology, etc.) then we have to go the cowboy hat and boots route.
22nd Pick: Australia
Seattle Seahawks
Japan is taken.
Australia is now off the board so you can’t get more people on the Michael Dickson bandwagon.
Thankfully, there’s still a major country on the Pacific Rim to do business with.
23rd Pick: South Korea
Pittsburgh Steelers
The Steelers are a name everyone knows and a lot of people just don’t like.
24th Pick: Russia
Los Angeles Rams
Oof. Not a lot of choices for the Rams left.
Rams…Sierra Nevada Big Horn Rams…Sierra Leone…
Alright, screw it!
25th Pick: Sierra Leone
Cleveland Browns
The Browns are an interesting one.
They’ve been through a lot of tough times, but they are still very passionately proud of their team and they do not like their big bully rivals, the Steelers.
26th Pick: Ukraine
Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore had their team rudely taken from them.
Don’t worry, though. They got it back.
27th Pick: Poland
New Orleans Saints
Obviously France is gone, so let’s go with the voodoo route instead.
28th Pick: Ghana
Green Bay Packers
The country that consumes the most cheese actually surprised me, honestly.
29th Pick: Denmark
Buffalo Bills
There’s really only one team that makes sense here, and only one team with a fanbase already established.
30th Pick: Canada
Kansas City Chiefs
People think the Chiefs are in Kansas, but they’re actually in Missouri.
Much like how many people think this country is in the Middle East but it’s actually African.
31st Pick: Egypt
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
To round out the draft, we have an old guy leading a team to glory over and over again no matter where he is.
People worship him, and will talk about him for centuries to come.
32nd Pick: Vatican City
Did I miss any countries? Was there a better nation available on the board at any certain time?
Should this post have never even been written because it’s inherently stupid?
Probably!
Let me know your thoughts.
